hmmm tastes weird
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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God: We need to create something Magical
Angel: Yes, Sir
G: Call it Unicorn
A: *Tries and fails
G: Call it rhinoceros
I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
“You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
– Wayne Gretzky
“You miss 100% of the shots you DO take.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars