@ElgatoEsmio
@TimmyPumpkin *licks stamp*
hmmm tastes weird
*mails letter*
hmmm mailbox had wings
*drives home on flying monkey*
hmmm that wasn’t a stamp
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@TimmyPumpkin 
@JustDontBugMe [Secret Meeting]
God: We need to create something Magical
Angel: Yes, Sir
G: Call it Unicorn
A: *Tries and fails
G: Call it rhinoceros
@TheFearBoners I wouldn’t let you touch me with a 10 foot pole! No seriously, why do you have a 10 foot pole?! THAT’S NOT NORMAL!
@tucker_doherty Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
@climaxximus luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
@ItsJayWhittaker “You miss 100% of the shots you never take.”
– Wayne Gretzky
“You miss 100% of the shots you DO take.”
– Stormtroopers
@Fingers_of_Fury You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
@kendraaaleighh For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all im sayin. the choice is yours
@HrBry Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars