HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
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I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.