How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

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A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.


If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales


<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>


I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.


“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”


My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.


It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”


Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.


If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.


She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.