A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he’ll shoot, tell my family I died a hero… #hero #cootertales
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”
Out of curiosity, where were you all thinking of moving after you’re done destroying the Earth? ‘Cause I assume you’ve thought that through.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.