How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
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I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I wish I were this cool 😂
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.