How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

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Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.


Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this


Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan


Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy.

Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??


there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job


Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.


I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.


Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.


An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.