how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
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11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.