@HousewifeOfHell

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

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@SarahR_82

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…

@ActualPerson084

FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.

@patnspankme

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

@subtweetopath

[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.

@Gentlemenhood

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

@titanmoon10

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

@eminmien

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

@KentWGraham

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”

@Jade_VK

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea