How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Two types of dogs.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.