cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag.
Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Me: WHO PUT THE EMPTY MILK BACK IN THE FRIDGE?
Me: YOU LIVE ALONE
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird