The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
FIRMS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF OFFERING SERVICES YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AT PRICES THEY REFUSE TO DISCUSS.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea