@hasht4g

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

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@slamdancenance

I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.

@T_Bonezzz_

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

@claire_mudie

If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don’t think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.

@meganrosati

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

@tararose711

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

@meganamram

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

@HatfieldAnne

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

@Rollinintheseat

“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”