I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
If you lost your needle in a haystack then I don’t think you were responsible enough to have had a needle in the first place. Needle loser.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
*throws flashlight at him
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”