How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director