I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
there’s probably a fee though
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Give a baker flours on your first date.