How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
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This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)