Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’

Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions