@SortaSarcastic
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
@gorrdano
How bout I hold a toaster over you while you’re in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn’t make me drop it.
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@SortaSarcastic
@OhNoSheTwitnt
What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?
@ArfMeasures
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
@pakalupapito
i need a hug(e amount of cash money)
@HomeWithPeanut
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
@PleaseBeGneiss
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
@PinkCamoTO
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
@MrSandeepP
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
@VerifiedDrunk
God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.
@ewfeez
The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole