@gorrdano

How bout I hold a toaster over you while you’re in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn’t make me drop it.

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@SortaSarcastic

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

What idiot decided to call it a narcotics-sniffing dog instead of a drug lab?

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!

@HomeWithPeanut

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

@PleaseBeGneiss

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

@PinkCamoTO

Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.

@MrSandeepP

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

@VerifiedDrunk

God is everywhere and knows everything? God sounds a lot like my ex-wife.

@ewfeez

The best thing about being Bane has gotta be that he can just slice a hardboiled egg straight into his pie hole