@gorrdano: How bout I hold a toaster over you while you're in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn't make me drop it.
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@: [gets pulled over] cop: do you know how fast you were growing? me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing? cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you've gotten so big
@jewfacekilla: Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too