@AbbieEvansXO
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
@gorrdano
How bout I hold a toaster over you while you’re in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn’t make me drop it.
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@AbbieEvansXO
@3sunzzz
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
@Sassafrantz
The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.
@Social_Mime
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
@jdforshort
“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today
@Browtweaten
Son: Why are we doing this?
Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have
Daughter: Well I’m mortified
Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!
@wolfpupy
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
@tylerschmall
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
@Tmoney68
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
@theDanLawler
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.