How bout I hold a toaster over you while you’re in the tub, and you tweet something that doesn’t make me drop it.

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5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.


The Orthodontist wants to pull my daughter’s 2 loose baby teeth & charge me $250. I bought the biggest bag of caramels I could find for $5.


My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.


“Hitting it hard as shit” and “tickling the hole” are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today


Son: Why are we doing this?

Mom: Because it’s a traditional teenage event you kids still deserve to have

Daughter: Well I’m mortified

Dad: *From the turntables* Whassup Mortified, I’m DJ Dad and welcome to HOME SCHOOL PROM!


you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.


Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.


Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”


I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.