chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it