I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.