How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you