How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
We all have our pet causes.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”