How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
My birth announcement for our third baby
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Happy Star Wars day!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
こいつ天才
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door