Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
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*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
When I watch The Walking Dead I can’t help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me.
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
[running from cop]
*cop catches me*
“Get on the ground or I’ll taze ya”
*pulls jellyfish from pocket*
“Look they were all out of tazers”
“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.