@siano2020

“How can I be racist if I have friends who are black?”

The same way a serial killer can have friends who are alive.

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@joetullar123456

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

@juliussharpe

I hate these services like Tinder and Grindr. I remember back when if you wanted to have sex, someone else had to make a huge mistake.

@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

@Petote

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

@theDanLawler

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

@seethenare

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

@piddle_fart

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

@Brampersandon_

*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Prominently display feminine hygiene products in your living space to let him know your eggs are still viable.

@msbhaven81

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective