How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
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My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot