@DanMentos

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

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@seamussaid

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

@HatfieldAnne

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

@shkeeber

If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?

@noog

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

@NutellaV

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

@suecorvette

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

@JediGigi

Me: I have no friends

My bed: Wow I’m like right here

@stephanidek

[NYE]

ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair

@KentWGraham

At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.