“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
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Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”