“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
You Might Also Like
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Not all heroes wear capes…
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.