ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.
It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground
People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.
Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.
*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up
Phew! Good workout!
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’