@LackOfShame

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

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@Mister_Veritas

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

@momjeansplease

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

@jake_lach

In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.

@captainkalvis

It’s a good thing earthquakes don’t happen in Texas lmao mfers would be outside shooting the ground

@jsteele3966

People who wait 3 hours to respond to a text “LOL” should be punched in the neck.

Your not fooling anybody. You weren’t LOLing that long.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at gym]

*spends 45 minutes untangling headphones
*drops phone, squats to pick it up

Phew! Good workout!

*leaves

@GrantTanaka

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

@EndhooS

Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’