“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
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me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.