@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

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@mack44_d

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

@Ygrene

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

@Prince_Smarming

A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?” So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.

@broken_rhi

This peach mimosa tastes like I’ll be worrying about losing my job later.

@MollySneed

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

@anerdonfire2

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

@Brianhopecomedy

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

@Beyerstein

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

@juliussharpe

Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”

@LeahKnauer

“exorcise” and “exercise” sound alike because they’re both the work of the Devil