me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”
You Might Also Like
Boss: Why are you late?
Me: Why are you so obsessed with me?
I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.
ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
SHERIFF: can i help you, son?
ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?
using microsoft word
*moves an image 1 mm to the left*
all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.