“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda


I’m a fi-sci writer.
“You mean sci-fi?”
No, fi-sci. Fictional Science. Made-up scholarly articles on monsters, magic, and the like.


ME, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*

SHERIFF: can i help you, son?

ME: has..*sweating profusely* has anybody seen my horse?


using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.


nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing


A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.


I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.


If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.