How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
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I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ