Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
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I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.