How can my mum hear me whisper something under my breath but can’t hear me shout YEAHHHH from my room when she screams my name 10 times

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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it


Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.


Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.


“if you slap kirby, does he jiggle?”

if you slap kirby, you die


*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*

“Okay everyone grab a partner.”


[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime


Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”


BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape


“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms