@Nachos0verHoes

How can my mum hear me whisper something under my breath but can’t hear me shout YEAHHHH from my room when she screams my name 10 times

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@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@astutenewf

Pretty sure most of the people in coffee shops on lap tops are just writing letters to their parents asking if they can move back home.

@gothicaseas

Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.

@Slyvally

“if you slap kirby, does he jiggle?”

if you slap kirby, you die

@crmotwo

*First day and last day as sex-ed teacher*

“Okay everyone grab a partner.”

@thelateinnings

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

@TequilaTears

Facebook should have a limit on times you can change your relationship status… After 3 it should default to “Unstable”

@fordm

BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape

@AmishPornStar1

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms