How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.