“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
You Might Also Like
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I have no passwords left in me
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
peak technology
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%