I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*