How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
best review i’ve ever seen
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.