– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.

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COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day?
LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question


I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.


“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.


Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph


Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.


ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what


To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running



GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.


“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words