“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
A dead goose is called a ghoost
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.