@leshnevsky

– How can you always be such a happy person?
– I never argue with people.
– That’s impossible!
– You’re right! That’s impossible.

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@joejwest

COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea
SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day?
LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

@MuttCutts

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph

@freypalm

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

@roxiqt

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

@FranticFox

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

@Tmoney68

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

@BeeeejEsq

“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words