Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s