Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
You Might Also Like
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
me: my friends:
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on