How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*