Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no