How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.