My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
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I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
do what now??
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.