She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
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I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
The happy life.. 😊
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”