How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
asked my bf how work was today
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT