How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
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HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that