How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
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At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
awkward
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button