How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

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If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”


After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.


Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.


Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god


with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen


[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?


8. Which is your least favorite character?



Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?


I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁