If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
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‘HAHAHA-sorry. Go on.’
~me, as a therapist
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Stomach: oh my god
with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁