@tudorgrrrl

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

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@msdanifernandez

If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”

@haveigotnews

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

@andlikelaura

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

@emmaberen

with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen

@DanMentos

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

@krisv_723

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

@mutedclamor

I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁