I’m such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?
– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
There’s just no way around this one: YOU MATTER, unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared, then YOU ENERGY.
I used to see people alone at restaurants and feel bad for them. Now I’m with a screaming two year old wondering, “Who is that solo genius?”
Women have all the answers to all your questions.nnnAnd you don’t even have to ask.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”