How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
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Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
this independent good boy don’t need no human
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.