How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.