@chrisdowning

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

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@LCbasecamp

I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.

@SteveKoehler22

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

@WilliamAder

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

@TylerLinkin

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

@Diversion50

IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.

IAN: Really?

ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.

@ObscureGent

(When I gain weight)

Well I’ve been stressed out at work and haven’t had time for the gym, so it’s understandable.

(When a celebrity gains weight)

Well look at this fat piece of shit.

@DadandBuried

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@TylerLinkin

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

@mousefountain

It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.