How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

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I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.


My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.


Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.


My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.


IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?

ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.

IAN: Really?

ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.


(When I gain weight)

Well I’ve been stressed out at work and haven’t had time for the gym, so it’s understandable.

(When a celebrity gains weight)

Well look at this fat piece of shit.


I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.


1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever


It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.