I don’t care how this is done. I’ll watch it because it’s incredible.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
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My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..
We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
IAN: Why is that bear hanging out in the bar?
ME: He’s a well known, gimmick.
ME: That’s Conan. Conan The Bar Bear, Ian.
(When I gain weight)
Well I’ve been stressed out at work and haven’t had time for the gym, so it’s understandable.
(When a celebrity gains weight)
Well look at this fat piece of shit.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.