@zeugirdorej

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

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@Jake_Vig

“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer

@smerobin

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

@Majorboobage

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

@welone1

During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.

@Cherhole

There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.

@drinksmcgee

Her: So how did you get this scar?

*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu

Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu

@LeBearGirdle

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

@JackAsHell

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

@FaisalAdam_

Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.