“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”
– impersonal trainer
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
You Might Also Like
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
There was a girl pushing an suv this morning while the guy steered. Feminists everywhere must be scissoring in victory.
Her: So how did you get this scar?
*flashback to a drunken fight with an Emu
Me *proudly: I got in a drunken fight with an Emu
good work, everybody
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.