How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.