how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

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[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.


You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on


Clean and jerk is a weight lifting term?

Oh… *Tosses tissues in the trash*


If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”


My wife told me to strive for perfection, so I divorced her and started dating a swimsuit model.


One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.