How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
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[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Hey I worked for it too!
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult