How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
work smarter, not harder
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.