I just put a bra on for the first time in a week and nearly dislocated my shoulder.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
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Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!
Her: USE YOUR HANDS!
Me: *raises the roof*
celebrities be like omg 🙄 quarantined in my 30 room mansion with a personal theater, olympic pool and 50 acre yard for the next month. soooooo bored. just know we’re all in this with you guys! 🙏🏼
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
*puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there’s another hand in there already*
*it’s just my other hand*
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
For the baby who has everything