@avaricious1

How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.

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@thetobbie

Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…

@truegritrumble

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

@KentWGraham

Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.

@AbbyHasIssues

Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.

@Home_Halfway

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

@realHamOnWry

Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists.

@Birdhumms

A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.

@tvandjam

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

@kiralc

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards