How come the only people who can open childproof lids are children? My nephew charges me two vicodin just to open the bottle.

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Dudes, how can we keep track of how long it’s been since we’ve been on a date? I mean, women can just measure their leg hair…


*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*


Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.


Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.


Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?


Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists.


A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.


Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes


I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards