How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
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I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
#MeanwhileinCanada
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks